It’s time to consider good-enough parenting. You’ll be surprised at how much easier life feels—for everyone, including your kids.
Are you a parent on the edge? If so, you’re not alone. According to recent research, almost half of parents (48 percent) say their stress is overwhelming on most days, compared to 26 percent among other adults.
The problem of parental burnout is so serious that last year, the Surgeon General issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. But what is driving this increase in poor parental well-being? And, most importantly, what can we do about it?
Parental burnout
Escalating parental expectations
Parenting as a concept is a relatively modern phenomenon. It didn’t appear in the dictionary until the 1950s and wasn’t used broadly until the ’70s. And now? It’s everywhere. As a consequence, simply raising a child isn’t enough. We no longer act like gardeners (providing love and the basics) but sculptors (actively shaping our children).
“Mothers are expected to remain constantly engaged and available, the paragon of patience, perfectly emotionally regulated at all times, and ‘enjoying every moment’ while simultaneously ensuring their children’s future success with extracurriculars, travel, sports, organic food, etc.,” explains clinical psychologist, Dr. Anne Welsh.
“Essentially, perfectionism has become part of the fabric of what it means to be a parent. We don’t always recognize it, but we get caught up thinking about what it means to be a good parent—and in many cases, we see anything that falls short of perfect as ‘bad’ parenting. Yet, none of us are perfect, so we end up constantly feeling like we are falling short,” she adds.
The rise of dual-income families
Research found the number of Canadian families with two employed parents has almost doubled in the last 40 years. Similar trends have been observed around the Western world and the upshot is simple: there is now less time available to get everything done.
“Work expectations haven’t adjusted to support parents, despite the fact that the majority of parents are in dual-income earning households. Many families are managing full-time jobs with little structural support, and the result is exhaustion,” says Dr Welsh.
Even with two people working, the house still needs to be cleaned, clothes washed and meals made. There’s just as much to do as before, but much less time, resulting in more stress and overwhelm.
Information overload
It has been quipped that on a typical day, the average person in a Western city is exposed to as much data as someone in the 15th century would have been in their entire lifetime. The problem with this is that we’re not wired for it, and it’s making parenting feel impossible.
“Pre-smart phone, we did not have information available 24/7. If you had a question, you might ask your friend, your own mother, your paediatrician, but at some point, there was a limit to what you could consume,” explains Dr Welsh. Once you’d garnered a couple of opinions from trusted sources, you’d pick one and move on with your life. But now, there is always more information to be gleaned, a hot take you hadn’t considered, another expert to listen to.
“While more information can be beneficial, it can also be overwhelming, especially in the parenting space where there is also a lot of judgment. No matter what you choose to do as a parent, you will likely find someone else telling you it is wrong,” she adds.
The social media comparison trap
Whether you follow parenting influencers, child development experts or simply other people with kids, it can be very difficult to avoid comparison when you’re on social media.
“It can feel impossible to escape the onslaught of how things are supposed to look. While most of us know these images are just the highlight reel, our brains still take in that image as possible,” says Dr Welsh.
And even if you know the truth, it doesn’t help. “Early research saw this when we looked at the impact of magazine consumption on body image. Even when women were told that the photos in magazines were airbrushed, they still showed a decrease in body image after looking at them. A similar phenomenon can happen for us as parents, too,” she adds.
The case for doing less
“Burnout isn’t healthy for anyone, parents or their kids,” says Dr Welsh. “A burned-out parent is less emotionally available, more irritable and less likely to enjoy time with their kids.”
So what’s a stressed-out modern parent to do? Well, one idea is to try…doing less. And it turns out that scaling back and slowing down can benefit not just the parents, but children too. “For parents, it means less stress, less guilt, and more energy to engage meaningfully rather than constantly. For kids, it fosters independence, resilience, and problem-solving skills,” says Dr Welsh.
One way to embrace the idea of doing less is to stop striving to be a perfect parent. This might be easier once you realize that, paradoxically, being good enough might even be better than perfect.
“There’s strong research supporting the idea of ‘good enough’ parenting—the idea that children don’t need perfect parents; they need responsive parents. In fact, if you are 100 percent available at all times, and perfectly respond to your kids in every interaction, you do them a disservice; they won’t learn how to navigate conflict, tolerate waiting, or how to repair when someone missteps,” says Dr Welsh.
“Kids benefit from having space to figure things out on their own, navigate conflicts, and develop self-sufficiency. Overparenting, on the other hand, can hinder emotional growth and create anxiety in children who never learn to manage challenges independently,” she adds.
Practical ways to do less
Readjust your expectations
If you’re a parenting book junkie who follows hundreds of parenting social media accounts, give yourself a break. Put down the books, turn off your phone and spend a bit of time internalizing the message that perfection isn’t possible when it comes to parenting. And even if it was, it wouldn’t do your children any good.
Aim for ‘good enough’ parenting instead. “If you are even thinking about how to be a good parent, you already are one,” says Dr Welsh.
Have clear boundaries
“Boundaries can be so hard, both at work and at home. Yet, in setting boundaries in a healthy way, you role model this option for your kids. People pleasing and saying yes to every request can actually undermine your success,” says Dr. Welsh.
And don’t forget to save some time for yourself, too. “This can also include setting boundaries with your own time so that you can take care of yourself—maybe even away from your kids,” she adds.
Clear your calendar
If your weekly routine is leaving you depleted, exhausted and burnt out, cut back. And the best bit? Not only will you feel less frazzled, your kids will benefit from freedom and, yes, even boredom.
“Kids don’t need endless extracurriculars. Unstructured time is valuable. Yes, your kid might love sports, but it is good for everyone to have a little free time, learn how to tolerate boredom and come up with something to do, and have some time to relax,” says Dr Welsh.
Cut back on technology
Nearly 70 percent of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was twenty years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as one of the top two cited reasons. While cutting back on technology might be difficult initially, it will reduce overall family overwhelm. Start by making meal times screen-free, or try a digital sabbath.
Less screen time would benefit not just children but also parents. Cutting back on scrolling would help them reduce information overload and avoid the social media comparison trap.
Find your trusted sources
Instead of turning to Google every time you have a parenting conundrum, ask a trusted family member or friend instead. It could be your own relatives or friends who have older kids and have been there and done that.
Let your kids work it out
We get it—watching your child struggle can be hard. But jumping in too soon not only creates extra parenting for you, but it also robs your child of the chance to develop.
“Instead of rushing in to fix conflicts or challenges, offer guidance and let them work through it. This goes for siblings and for peers. Children learn social rules through experience. It can be hard to watch, but as long as everyone is being safe, give them the space to tackle the challenge on their own,” says Dr Welsh.
“This goes for homework too. It can be so tempting to step in and help, and sometimes that is a great option. However, there are times when your kid can reach out to their teacher directly. It helps them develop the important skill of speaking with adults and self-advocating,” she adds.
Buy less and declutter
These days, kids can come with a lot of stuff. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can radically declutter what you have in your home, and you might find that it not only reduces overwhelm but also improves your kids’ play.
Instead of endless new toys and gadgets, “embrace the gift of presence, of a card, of an experience together, of simple positive verbal feedback,” suggests Dr Welsh.
Some other ways to try and buy less could be to try a ‘no buy’ month in which you don’t purchase anything other than necessities. Instead, jot down anything you would like to buy and review it at the end of the month. You might be surprised at the amount of needless impulse purchases you save yourself from.
Give yourself grace
“A messy house, frozen pizza for dinner, or skipped bedtime stories won’t harm your child, but an overwhelmed, exhausted parent might. It doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards, but it might mean letting them slip here and there, allowing someone else to do them, even if it’s not the way you would do them, or outsourcing them all together,” suggests Dr. Welsh.
One practical way to categorize what you can let go and what you can’t is to think of them like juggling balls. What is glass and would break, and what is rubber and would bounce back?
Stop criticizing yourself
“This is perhaps the most important thing to have less of as a parent. When’s the last time you complimented your own parenting? When’s the last time you spoke harshly to yourself? I bet that second question is easier to answer. Remember to notice the good stuff you do as a parent and speak to yourself as you’d speak to your kid,” says Dr Welsh.
Article Source: Abby Driver, Today’s Parent
Discovery Point Nursery and Academy is a daycare in Woodbridge, Ontario.