Toddler tantrums stressing you out? You’re not alone. Experts break down why little ones get so frustrated and share simple ways to handle meltdowns (and keep your cool too).
Life today moves at lightning speed, with distractions like buzzing phones, endless to-do lists and the constant pressure to keep up. This whirlwind doesn’t just shorten our attention spans; it also makes parenting especially hard. And as if that weren’t enough, there’s another layer of pressure on top: the expectation to be a ‘perfect’ parent. Something licensed therapist Jillian Amodio, LMSW, says is not only unrealistic but also exhausting.
“Between jam-packed schedules, always being connected to technology, a world that feels chaotic, and unrealistic expectations on social media, the pressure to ‘do it all’—and do it well—can feel suffocating,” Amodio shares.
This stress can feel even heavier when you’re dealing with tough toddler behaviours. While a normal part of development, the demands on parents can make managing toddler tantrums feel nearly impossible.
Navigate meltdowns, crying and toddler frustration with these tips from Amodio and other experts. “Understanding these factors can help you respond with confidence and compassion,” she says.
What’s actually going on with your toddler?
Every parent knows the scene: your toddler’s teeth clench and face goes red. They throw a tantrum that seems to come out of nowhere as they try to do a challenging task. This is a classic example of toddler frustration.
Amodio suggests that parents begin by paying attention to the unique characteristics of their toddler’s frustration. Then, consider the child’s developmental stage and brain growth during this period.
She explains, “Toddlers have a growing desire for independence and an endless curiosity. They’re naturally driven to explore cause and effect, which often means testing boundaries as they figure out who they are. Their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for self-control and managing emotions—is still developing and will be for years to come. That’s why toddlers often act on impulse and have trouble handling their emotions.”
What helps? Amodio stresses the importance of patience and gentle redirection. Encourage your child and they’ll feel supported. “Toddlers need a balance between independence and guidance,” she says.
“Without it, frustration can build up, leading to power struggles between parent and child.”
Additionally, she reminds parents that toddlers aren’t misbehaving on purpose. “They’re simply trying to make sense of a world that’s still new and sometimes confusing to them,” she adds.
Common triggers for frustration
Nicole Runyon, LMSW, a psychotherapist and parent coach, shares that toddler frustration often has understandable roots. Common triggers include adult-imposed limits, unmet needs, learning new skills and changes in routine.
Here’s how identifying these triggers can help parents respond with empathy and support their child’s emotional growth.
Adult-imposed limits
“When toddlers come up against boundaries set by adults, it’s natural for them to feel frustrated, since their ability to cope with these feelings is still developing,” Runyon explains.
“Temper tantrums or tears are often their way of expressing discomfort when they don’t yet have the words to explain what’s wrong.”
Unmet needs
When young children’s basic needs aren’t fully met, it can also cause them to feel a bit unsettled or frustrated.
“Building trust with caregivers early on is important—if children don’t quite develop this trust, they might find it a little harder to express independence or say ‘no’ as they grow,” Runyon notes. “If they can’t communicate ‘no,’ that frustration can build up inside and sometimes show in their behaviour.”
Learning new skills
Learning new skills can also be a source of frustration for little ones. “As toddlers grow emotionally, they benefit from parents who can stay calm and steady—what we call co-regulation,” Runyon says. “When parents model calmness, it helps children learn to manage their emotions and develop healthy coping skills.”
Changes in routine
Changes in routine can also be tricky for toddlers. “When things don’t go as expected, toddlers can feel disappointed or frustrated, even if they don’t quite understand why,” Runyon explains. “Their ability to handle frustration is still developing, so it’s normal for them to react strongly to changes.”
How toddlers express their upset
From tantrums to whining, toddlers have many ways to show they’re upset. Understanding these signals can help parents respond with patience and care. Here are some key signs for parents to look out for.
Tantrums
Toddler tantrums are common and can happen when little ones feel overwhelmed by emotions they can’t yet express with words.
“These outbursts might include crying, yelling, or even kicking and throwing things, as children try to communicate their needs and frustrations,” Runyon clarifies. “These responses are an outward expression of the frustration going on inside.”
Meltdowns
Meltdowns are another way toddlers express their upset and frustration. According to Runyon, one major cause of these emotional storms is sensory overload.
“When toddlers experience sensory overload, their nervous systems become overstimulated and shift into a fight-or-flight response,” she explains. Screens, in particular, can be a significant trigger. “If a child’s eyes aren’t connecting with someone else’s—seeing a warm smile or feeling another person’s energy—their brain may interpret it as a lack of safety.”
Whining and complaining
Runyon says that toddlers often whine or complain simply because they don’t yet have the words to express what’s bothering them.
“Persistent whining is just a behaviour that toddlers use to try to communicate with their parents,” she says. “This expression of their feelings could come from underdeveloped frustration tolerance, perhaps sensory overload, or maybe they didn’t get enough sleep.”
Withdrawing and shutting down
Some kids are outward with their feelings, while others internalize them,” says Runyon. “Sometimes this is because they don’t feel emotionally safe with certain people, even if they feel physically safe. For example, kids might hold it together at school but have a meltdown at home because they feel safer expressing emotions with their parents. It can also simply come down to individual personality differences—it just depends on the child.”
Practical strategies to help your frustrated toddler (and yourself!)
Michelle Mintz, M.S., CCC-SLP is a licensed speech-language pathologist. She shares practical strategies to help frustrated toddlers until their tantrums pass.
Here are some of her top tips to bring a little more calm and understanding to your household.
Acknowledge and validate feelings
Parents naturally want to intervene and correct their toddlers’ outbursts and frustrations. But step back and take a quiet moment to connect with your toddler instead. Acknowledging and validating your child’s feelings deepens your bond and fosters emotional growth.
She explains, “Recognizing your child’s frustration doesn’t mean you’re giving in—you’re helping them put words to those overwhelming emotions they haven’t yet learned to express. When you say, ‘I see you’re upset because you wanted that toy,’ you’re teaching your child to identify and name their feelings. And naming those feelings is the crucial first step in helping toddlers learn to manage their frustration.”
Offer choices and a sense of control
Toddlers crave independence, but as Mintz says, the world can still feel too large and fast for them. Offering simple choices instead helps toddlers feel in control without overwhelming them.
“It’s a small shift in power that creates big shifts in cooperation,” she shares. “Giving them choices—like picking between two snacks or choosing which shirt to wear—throughout the day helps provide that feeling of independence. Sometimes, it’s actually easier for both of you when there isn’t a choice.”
Distraction and redirection
“A well-timed distraction—“Wow, look at that bird outside!”—or a playful redirection—“Let’s race to the kitchen!”—can shift your toddler’s emotional track without a power struggle,” suggests Mintz. “Parents should not view this as avoidance—it’s a reset.”
Establish routines and predictability
The world is full of newness for toddlers, which can be overwhelming at times. Because of this, Mintz suggests that parents create routines to give their children a sense of security and predictability.
She says, “Routines give toddlers a sense of stability and security—knowing what comes next helps them feel safe enough to explore, learn, and thrive. Predictability also builds trust, and trust builds confidence.”
Teach coping skills
Helping frustrated toddlers learn coping skills calms them down and teaches lifelong emotional control.
“Even young toddlers can start learning tools to help self-soothe: deep breaths from their bellies, hugging a stuffed animal, squeezing playdough, or going to a cozy corner,” suggests Mintz. “These skills don’t eliminate feelings—they teach toddlers what to do with them and how to manage them.”
What NOT to do when your toddler is frustrated
Managing toddler frustration can be extremely overwhelming for parents who are already stressed. To help calm your child without becoming emotionally hijacked yourself, Mintz suggests avoiding these common mistakes.
Dismissing and ignoring feelings
Even if parents feel stressed by toddler tantrums, Mintz says it’s important to acknowledge, not ignore, their child’s feelings.
“Saying things like ‘Don’t be upset’ can make children feel like their emotions don’t matter, teaching them to bottle up their feelings instead of understanding them,” says Mintz. “Imagine being upset and someone tells you, ‘That’s not a big deal.’ What toddlers need in these moments is connection. Try saying, ‘You’re sad right now. I’m here with you.”
Yelling or punishing
Another thing parents should avoid is yelling at or punishing toddlers when they’re feeling frustrated.
“Yelling triggers a stress response—it’s like sounding an alarm in their developing brain,” says Mintz. “Instead of learning how to handle their feelings, children learn to fear the emotional reaction. Punishment also shuts down communication, while connection invites cooperation.”
Giving in to demands
Giving in to your toddler’s demands every time they get frustrated can backfire. If a meltdown always leads to a reward, your child will quickly learn that this behaviour works, explains Mintz.
“Giving in might bring short-term peace, but it creates long-term confusion,” she adds. “Toddlers need consistency, not unpredictability. Setting boundaries with calm and love helps children feel secure and learn to manage their emotions.”
Reasoning or lecturing
“Toddlers aren’t little adults—they’re still wiring the part of the brain that handles logic and cause-and-effect,” says Mintz. “Therefore, long explanations go right over their heads. Keep it short, simple, and clear. You’re not teaching with words; you’re teaching with tone, consistency, and modelling.”
Comparing your toddler to other children
Mintz states that comparisons feel like judgment, not motivation, and they chip away at self-worth.
Don’t compare your toddler to other kids by saying things like, “Your friend is so calm,” or “I know you can handle this.”
When is it more than just toddler frustration? Knowing when to seek help
Toddler frustration is normal, but occasionally, their frustration might point to something more serious.
Here’s when it’s a good idea for parents to reach out for professional advice.
Frequency and intensity
Most toddlers experience lots of emotions each day—laughing one moment, melting down the next. But how can parents tell when a tantrum is more than just a passing phase?
Jennifer McDonald, PhD, ABPdN, a board-certified pediatric neuropsychologist, explains that while daily meltdowns are normal, parents should take notice if their child’s outbursts become unusually aggressive.
“For example, they’re consistently and regularly hitting or biting others or hurting themselves in some way,” she explains. “That level of intensity is not typical for development.”
Resistant to small changes
“If your toddler throws a tantrum because their blue sippy cup isn’t available, or insists on following a specific ritual—and becomes inconsolable if it’s interrupted—take note,” McDonald advises. “When these outbursts become frequent or intense, especially if there’s no obvious reason, it’s a sign to pay closer attention.”
Developmental delays or underlying issues
If you see your toddler having trouble with moving, talking, understanding, or getting along with others, McDonald suggests talking to their doctor.
“For children facing significant developmental delays, it’s important to seek a comprehensive evaluation and continue with regular follow-ups as their needs evolve,” she recommends. “Developmental disorders like autism are often displayed as frustration or challenges in early childhood, so early support is important.”
Parental gut feeling
Parents know their children best. If you think something might be wrong with your child, McDonald says you should trust your instincts.
“It’s always better to seek out professional health and support rather than go it alone,” she explains. “There’s no parenting guidebook that fits all toddlers out there, so finding someone to ask who has seen all versions of development is always worthwhile. Early intervention, if needed, is always key.”
Frustration is a stepping stone, not a roadblock
Toddler frustration can be tough on parents, but as McDonald reassures, it’s a normal—and temporary—part of your child’s development. “I always remind parents that this phase will pass,” she explains. “The challenging behaviours you see are normal, not personal, and simply part of growing up.”
McDonald also emphasizes the importance of self-care. “It’s okay to take a break and let someone else step in when you need a moment to breathe,” she says. “Remember, there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent. Mistakes will happen, and that’s perfectly fine—what matters most is forgiving yourself and moving forward.”
Experts in this article
- Jillian Amodio, LMSW, is a licensed therapist.
- Nicole Runyon, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and parent coach.
- Jennifer McDonald, PhD, ABPdN, is a board-certified pediatric neuropsychologist.
Article Source: Today’s Parent
___
Discovery Point Nursery and Academy – daycare in Woodbridge, Ontario